Fear Works Like Poison On the Heart

On fear spirals

This morning, my body keeps telling me to let people show you who they are. And when they have, act accordingly.

I’ve spent a lot time trying to show others a mirror of themselves when they caused me harm. By doing this, I thought they would agree that how I was treated is bad.

When I say a lot of time, I mean years, and I don’t simply mean by debating strangers online (though unfortunately, yes, I have done that before.) I mean by trying to tell people who had screamed at me, that it wasn't okay for them to call me “stupid,” “a lost cause,” or whatever phrase their own head was calling them that week.

What this did was suffocate me. For much of that time, I had no choice, nor any tools, for exiting this dynamic. I was a child. But now, I do. I don’t want all those emotions in my body. I don’t want to get lost in sensation. I have work to do.

Part of that work is to still be sensitive, and extremely kind to everyone I encounter. Part of that work involves my actual job, where I speak to people in crisis on the phone, but it is also my work of being in this world.

Now, with political headlines in the U.S., I keep thinking that the thing those who stoke fear want is reaction. The more sensational a declaration, the more people grab onto it immediately. Whether one is celebrating or disavowing every sensational declaration—there is a feeding cycle. The fear is grabbed onto, and chewed on. It gains energy.

To be clear: I think it is important to place one’s line in the sand and know where you stand. When you see or hear intense declarations of hatred, it is very powerful to me to say:" “No, I don’t agree with that. This is what I believe:.”

By naming and holding our beliefs, what choice do we have but to be changed by them?

But I am unsure if it is positive to constantly do this in public spaces.

I recognize that all of this, that everything, has layers. I resist believing that this language could apply to any and all situations to currently exist, or ever exist for time millennium. What feels true to me right now, in my body, is that at a point, the constant responding to sensationalism becomes a way to feed those ideas. And they feed off energy.

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I believe in sensitivity and tenderness. I believe in working through conflict with others, and I believe in understanding.

Understanding may be a nice sounding word, but it is not a simple process. It involves shedding. In all my experiences of coming to it with people I felt at total odds with, it has been deeply humbling and quieting. It rarely moved fast. It was very uncomfortable. (And you can read this in any context you want. Sure, I am thinking about political discussions, but I am also thinking about relationship hurts and breakups, intentional community living, and familial dynamics.)

I don’t understand people best when I am emotionally reactive and thus more prone to being defensive. I understand when I look at things as a picture, step outside of it, and listen to it. This does not mean that I have to let go of everything I deeply feel and completely take on the other person’s point of view. But rarely has it not meant that my view was not changed in some way.

While I may not agree with what others say, I can still listen to it. It doesn’t have to be absorbed into my body. But I can still look at it, recognize it, and see it clearly.

I worry that my words may be taken only at face value, and that people may ask me why I think it’s necessary to talk right now. I fear you will comment: I don’t want to talk!!!! But I am saying some of these things in a general sense, without telling you exactly what to attach it to, because I see it in many ways. People are angry. They are pointing fingers, broadly, wildly, and at each other. Division throws its sparks in the air, and indiscriminately begins throwing a blade at whoever is close enough.

Sunset from parking garage

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The work of being in conflict and not taking on everyone’s thoughts and feelings takes time and practice. Instead, I often try to absorb everything into my body, and try to match all energy I encounter. My work is learning how to listen and feel for others, while not letting that control my body.

Because of this, I continue to recognize that things I once thought of as frivolous are now non-negotiable. This list may change, but right now it means being alone in the morning, journaling every morning, sleeping more, exercising, lighting candles, and praying. These aren’t throw away, nice little touches to my life anymore. I’ve spent years being burnt out, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. Spending time tending to myself is how I am able to do my work, and not absorb everything into my body. If working on my own heart, and allowing that to ripple into actions I take in world, are the work of a lifetime, then it needs me to develop tools for supporting my vitality.

Routine

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For many of us, questions about how much terror and violence powers at large can–and are–causing were not answered via the U.S. presidential election. We have seen horrible videos of torn up bodies and dead babies in Palestine for over a year. Open any history book and there are more examples of destruction, violence, colonization, and the othering of so many people. The propaganda which feels so fresh, so current to this time, so new that surely it will solve all problems now, has centuries of dust on it.

I will not deny that the president makes a difference, but I will also do what I can to not get sucked into fear spirals. I will not shame you if you do. I often do.

Sometimes ingesting a lot of intense information is a way of expanding clarity. You didn’t know things were like that, so you keep looking. But I also believe in education coming from a variety of sources: experience, relationships, looking to the past and history’s patterns, listening from those who have direct experiences. I believe that education is a lifelong process that reaches far beyond the immediacy of headlines.

It is not new to say a group of people is causing all societies problems. It is not new to pin a face to an issue, while in the barely dim light, those in power gather more money, corruption, and power. Having a scapegoat is convenient. Meanwhile, the target keeps moving, and the scapegoat becomes another neighbor, another stranger, another person you suddenly view as “other.” A month before, you may have never thought about them before, but now they are the cause to all your problems.

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What I feel now is that I have so much to learn, and often my fear spirals are not productive. They trap my body. They keep me feeling disillusioned and horrible. They make me physically sick, or unable to move. They make the most basic actions in my life seem like chores. They make me snap at everyone around me, even those trying to help me. Everyone becomes an enemy. If others don’t match my level of anxiety, I get annoyed.

Fear works like poison on the heart.

Right now, I have work to do. Part of it is leaving this computer, getting dressed, and going to my job, where I will ingest stranger’s experiences and offer them resources the best I can.

Part of that work is keeping my heart open. Every day, I am working on the fear which seeks to poison my heart. This fear has information, and it asks for my compassion and attention. It asks for strategic planning, and for commitment to action. But it also seeks to suck me into it. My work is drinking the poison, and knowing how it tastes, without swallowing it.

What is the work you have to do, now and every day?

Comic using text from Dune, made in 2020